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all i need is a little more time.   
01:34am 13/05/2006
mood: calm
The theory is that you will learn
a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
umm, 11am…yes..11am

2. Diamonds or pearls?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Silent Hill—I mixed/ good and bad stuff. I guess if I had to state a comment I would advise one to wait until it came out to rent…don’t waste good money on this movie.

4. What is your favorite current TV show?
I don’t watch tv. (by choice). But occasionally you’ll catch me sitting with Tanya watching Law and Order or Xfiles.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Black tea and Wheat Toast..

6. What is your middle name?

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Currently…fresh, healthy perhaps organic foods.

8. What foods do you dislike?
fast food.

9. What is your favorite Potato chip?
CheeseIt’s are my life. 

10. What is your current favorite CD?
Charlotte Martin- Veins (ep).

11. What kind of car do you drive?
2004 Honda Civic.

12. What is your favorite sandwich filling?

13. What characteristics do you despise?
Close-mindedness, ignorance, lazyness, inconsideration, yeah the list can go on for quite sometime.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
I have black sweater that I love.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
New York City Or London

16. What color is your bathroom?
umm… (I have to check…yes it’s sad) Blue flowered wallpaper

17. Favorite type of clothing?
polo shirt and jeans

18. Where would you want to retire to?
I don’t know- perhaps in the country somewhere.

19. Favorite time of day?
early morning or late at night. (which I guess are one in the same.)

20. Where were you born?
Herkimer NY

21. Favorite sport to watch?

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?

23. Person you expect to send it back first??
eh……maybe Tanya might give it a stab, if she is bored enough.

24. What type of detergents do you use?
Arm and Hammer.

25. Coke or Pepsi?
I do not drink soda.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?

27. What size shoe do you wear?

28. Do you have pets?
fish.... oh beta how I love thee.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
I am calm and relaxed

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
a lawyer

31. Favorite Chocolate Bar?
Cadberry’s Fruit and Nut.

32. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing the forest with my cousin’s and walking through a creek that is lined with slate.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
I was an office clerk at my highschool and I now work at ARC
35. Nicknames:
Marky, Markolas

37. Eye color?

38.Ever been to Africa?
No. 

39. Ever been toilet papered?

41. Been in a car accident?
sigh. Yesum

42. Croutons or bacon bits?
croutons all the way

43. Favorite day of the week?

44. Favorite restaurant?
not sure

45. Favorite flower?
I think it’s more or less a weed. But an “Indian paint brush”

46. Favorite ice cream?
Phish Food-ben and jerry’s

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I gave up fast food over a year and a half ago…but I do miss Burger King at times….

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?
off whiteish

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

52. Which store would you choose to max out your
credit card?
haha…choose? Sadly..A&F (well it’s not entirely maxed out..but I owe more than I wish to.)

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?
run, sit on line, listen to music, read, cook, hang out with friends, walk, write

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?

56. Last person you went to dinner with?

57. Ford or Chevy?
NOT FORD!!!!!!!!!! Hello, Pinto..?!?! Chevy.

58. What are you listening to right now?
Love Song- 311 (and yes I like this version. I also like the cure too.)

61. How many tattoos do you have?
The Chinese symbol for courage on my right shoulder.

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

63. How many people are you sending this email to?
I shall post it on my blog…for the masses.

64. Time you finished this e-mail?
     Read 1 - Post
hahaha interesting things.   
10:10am 05/05/2006
  Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating

How am I feeling today?: “sweetness” Lili Haydn
Will I get far in life?: “Case Of You” Joni Mitchell

How do my friends see me?:
"Fallen – (Dan the Automator Mix)”- Sarah Mclachlan

When will I get Married?: "Take Me Home Tonight” Eddie Money.. (HAHAHAHA)

What's my theme song?: "Brass In Pocket” – The pretenders

What is the story of my life?:
"Caught a Light Sneeze” – Tori Amos

How am I in bed?: "Flowers in December – live”- Mazzy Star

How can I get ahead in life?: "Fire Door” Ani Difranco

What is my best feature?: "Golden Boy” – Natalie Merchant

How is today going to be?: "Do You Get High”- Holly McNarland

What is my life like at the moment?:
"Love Is A Battlefield” Pat Benetar

What song describes my secrets?: "Lost Ones" – Lauryn Hill
What is my current lover like?: "Is this real?"- Lisa Hall

What song will they play at my funeral?:
”Back To You” John Mayer

How does the world see me?: “Fear Of Bliss” Alanis Morissette

Will I have a happy life?: “Little Black Backpack” Stroke 9

What do my friends really think of me?:
”Ready Or Not” The Fugees

Will I accomplish my goals in life?:
"Unsent" - Alanis Morissette

Will I find true love?: "Another White Dash” Butterfly Boucher
How do I treat others?: "New Years Day” U2
     Read 2 - Post
Take me as I am…I never was a good imposter.   
12:13am 05/05/2006
mood: content
Today was my last academic obligation of the semester. *sigh*. I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted off of my chest or perhaps my back-eh, it doesnt matter- I feel awesome tonight. I do not have much to speak of currently, so I suppose this post is going to be kind of short, I just wanted to begin the writing-for-fun process again.

I had to hand in a paper for my sociology of chemical dependency and human behavior class and that was my blissful end of this semester. Afterwards, I went home cleaned up my house and went for a run. The weather was amazing, it was sunny and warm with a slight breeze in the air. As I ran down York street, there was a group of trees that were shedding their seeds and as I passed they fell upon me as rain. It was amazing. I suppose today was one of those days I was aware and glad to be apart of the macro picture- of what ever it means to be on Earth. I feel as though I am in shape, I am healthy and on the road to mental clarity....har har.

After my run, I read a bit in Tanya's new meditation for dummies book. LOL, I swore to myself that I would never purchase any _____ for dummies books, I suppose I felt as though there was something degrading in their nature. But, I do need to lean how to meditate and this book is quite useful. I am in the process of trying to create my own mantra.

Around 5ish I went to Jermaine's, where I ate a wonderful dinner and had much coffee, as well as playing with her baby Bennyboo. Then clouds had gathered and there was a quick intense rain. We decided to take a small road trip and drive to Herkimer to go to the new age store called Jade Fox. It had been sometime since I had been to that store and I have to admit I was quite impressed with how the owner (Judy) had evolved- (with the store, that is.) I found my favorite hard to find Incense there: "Escential Essences: Red Ginger"- its a smell that causes a sense of pleasant nostalgia and I also picked up some Sandalwood incense as well...all in all it was a great little trip.

Now its around midnight, and I am calm relaxed and happy..yes I am happy. J My room has a very still quality in the air. Still as in serene, not to be confused with stagnant. Its good to be out of school for the summer, I can read, and write and do other various things that I never had time to do.

Well I suppose my "short" entry (guess i had more to say than i had originally anticipated ) is coming to an end. For the first time in a long time, I feel content.

Stumbling towards perfection:
Now i am marching in place.   
02:37am 10/03/2006
mood: geeky

I feel strong tonight, almost clear. Perhaps all of this time off to do nothing has served me well. I should be in bed and soon I will be. I won “The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath” off of ebay (thou evil thing of darkness borne. Lol) and I’ve been reading much of that. I have to say that I do not terribly enjoy her older stuff (1956-ish) some is well written and spark causing but others just cause my brain to hurt. I dis-like that.

Speaking of Ebay, (hides head I shame) there is this movie I remember watching as a child, it was called “The legend of Billie-Jean”…lol I am looking for the DVD so I can watch it again. Oh, the 80’s----it’s so apparent that I am a child of that era and if you observe of all of the other children that spent much of their child hood years in this unique time, you’ll see similar traits… OH the things we are exposed to as children.

I’ve been working on this new poem. To me the concept is amazing. Normally I am not much of a “concept kind of guy” but this one just came. So, now, with it’s arrival I am trying to make the words as intense as the concept. I am close, but still not able to post anything. [for anyone who actually reads this, is this is jus for me to look back on and recall times in my life when I’ve created certain things]

As always I’ve been on a sort of a spiritual quest, I suppose. I think there is something in the air, most of the people that I am strongly acquainted well with; are also. I am on a constant search to be more grounded, not that I am ungrounded, but I suppose life would be easier if I was slightly grounded. I’ve noticed that anyone that I’ve been attracted to has been grounded. Or at least possesses the façade/venire of groundation.

Tomorrow (technically today) it is supposed to be 50F. I am horribly excited about this. I miss the warm weather. I miss taking walks, going forest hill, opening windows…ect all of the wonderful aspects of warm weather. OH, not to mention being able to wear sandals again…har har,. I hope the forecast is correct, I’d like to go for a run outside, instead of the drab treadmills.

I’ve been making a list of my flaws…(I am unsure as to why…)
-think too much
-afraid of the dark *only when it’s time to sleep, other wise the dark is comforting
-at times too judgmental
-conveying emotions
-I’ve been known to stutter
-I am horribly self -deprecating

And that’s it. Sleep well.

Gone to the other side.

     Read 1 - Post
You shut your mouth- how can you say I go about things the wrong way.   
10:12pm 04/03/2006
mood: DARK
Ladadadada- Hello? Are you out there?

Quite some time has passed, since I first sat in front of this screen the blank curser flicks to mock me. I cannot describe how I feel-I just know that it’s wrong. I don’t feel “right” (what ever that feeling maybe.) Even though I run 5miles a day and cut out red meat out of my diet, I am still not healthy, actually I think my health has been getting worse. I have various problems that probably sooner or later will need addressing….

I was having a rather insignificant (or perhaps significant now..) conversation with August the other day at the coffee house which struck me. He said something like, how he feels as though he is in a constant state of waiting, as if he’s always waiting…The more I had thought about that, I a realized that I am similar, I too am in a constant state of waiting. I am either waiting for one thing or the next, sometimes these things come and other times they don’t. Point being I just don’t want to wait anymore. I feel as though I am wasting my youth on nothing, I am just wasting these years away and I’ll have nothing to fucking show for it……nothing. Not a GOD DAMMED THING.

I often feel detached from others lately…HELL I even feel detached from my self. This is a state that I am fully aware of while it is occurring, I just don’t know how to alter it, I don’t know how to feel differently.

//X\\ EDIT //X\\

...How soon is now? - AND I DO ONE MORE

Could I possibly be enduring a mid life crisis? At the ripe age of 22? (going on 23)



Oh and I hate Rufus Wainwright.

I never felt violence-
Until I touched you

     Read 1 - Post
Every time it rains….I know- I am trying to survive.   
01:12am 21/02/2006
mood: burnt out.

A Fair Warning that this entry is just one long bitch, so if you so desire, do not read it....

Ever just feel as though if you don’t write…you’ll explode/implode what ever…point being tonight is one of those nights. I have this abundant amount of energy that I cannot label under the genres of good or bad. Just…energy…; pent up. I know, however that I do feel a bit over whelmed lately. For a few years now I have been doing the whole work fulltime and go to school fulltime “thing”, and I fear lately it’s just starting to get to me. Normally I am the kind of guy who has a firm grip of control on his life and elements of it. Lately, I feel as though I do have control; however, it’s slowly bit by bit escaping. You know how you play tug-a-war and you know- just know that you’re losing, and you can feel the rope slide out of your palm….regardless of how tight your grip, regardless of how painfully tight you’re holding on…..your efforts are just….not good enough. I fear that soon I’ll lose control, of the elements of my life.

At work, I was offered a chance to be promoted…and I declined it. After careful consideration I drew the conclusion that the extra money was not worth the added stress and responsibility to my life. I need to complete school…..point blank. At my current job I am as far as I want to be (status wise) anything other job/career that I’d want to pursue at my current agency would require me to have a degree.

As always, (it is my nature to worry) I’ve been apprehensive about my future and the path I will take in the upcoming year. Grad school??? For what??? Where will I live? Will I stay in the good old Utica area, will I venture to a new city? Sigh. I don’t know…but what I do know is that I am slowly/ (perhaps {fast-ly}) running out of time…..

That brings up another good issue that’s been hindering my state of wellbeing…In this current frame of my life, I feel like I never have time for anything and I that I am just in a constant state of rush…a constant state to be on time, to class, to work, to meetings, to appointments….My mind is in a swirl.

Which, my mind-swirl-ness leads to block of creativity…I NEED TO WRITE quality stuff again…I feel as though I am at a loss for words…a loss for….meaning…emotion. I am too burnt out to even think…I think.?

Har.Ha r.

Well, that’s about it for now.


“I am going to feel my way around you,
and you are going to get down on your knees…
grow accustomed to the darkness
and see what you’re supposed to see…”

-Charlotte Martin.
     Read 3 - Post
Speak to me of poetry and...pol....?   
03:44pm 20/02/2006
mood: tired
You are a

Social Liberal
(83% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(28% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Strong Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona
     Read 1 - Post
You might as well live.   
12:58am 23/01/2006
mood: content
Can’t sleep…..

Let’s see what is new-------------------------------------------->

Oh my new school schedule is as follows—

Monday: Plant Bio Lab- 12:00-3:00pm

Tuesday: White Collar Crime - 10:00am-11:50
Sociology of Chemical Dep. 2:00-3:50

Wednesday: Plant Bio Lecture 12:00-2:40

Thursday: White Collar Crime - 10:00am-11:50
Sociology of Chemical Dep. 2:00-3:50

Friday: No school

So, I ended up dropping the practicum/intern class…it was too much work and there was no possible way I would have been able to excel in it as well as my other classes. Plus, after I had gotten an in-depth look at the course, it was designed for students to “assess/evaluate a non-profit organization” and that isn’t what I had anticipated nor sought out. So, I am now in plant biology. Which actually I am quite excited about…

I am running again, stating tomorrow! It’s been a while, between the gym being closed and me being sick, I haven’t gotten any running in…Hopefully I can return to my normal running schedule- after I get my endurance back up, that is.

Let’s see, I took down the Christmas stuff, FINALLY…that wretched holiday is out of my home. :-P…

Tomorrow I have to purchase books as well as look into my loan situation. I hate that aspect of school.

I fear I have a fairly busy week a head of me….

Here is a new poem that i am in love with by Elizabeth Bishop.

It Is Marvellous…

It is marvellous to wake up together
At the same minute: marvellous to hear
The rain begin suddenly all over the roof,
To feel the air clear
As if electricity had passed through it
From a black mesh of wires in the sky.
All over the roof the rain hisses,
And below, the light falling of kisses.

An electrical storm is coming or moving away;
It is the prickling air that wakes us up.
If lightning struck the house now, it would run
From the four blue china balls on top
Down the roof and down the rods all around us,
And we imagine dreamily
How the whole house caught in a bird-cage of lightning
Would be quite delightful rather than frightening;

And from the same simplified point of view
Of night and lying flat on one's back
All things might change equally easily,
Since always to warn us there must be these black
Electrical wires dangling. Without surprise
The world might change to something quite different,
As the air changes or the lightning comes without our blinking,
Change as our kisses are changing without thinking.

Elizabeth Bishop

--This poem makes me happy. I love the image of a "bird cage of lightening." This poet has a real gift, this is one of the poems i wish i would have written. It's funny how there is a fine line between
appreciation and jealousy.

Well, that’s it for now.

Peace out Much love:


Ps. I am needy, spoon me. Har har.
     Read 2 - Post
04:12pm 17/01/2006
mood: tired

Just a random quick post.

Finally, FINALLY….I am a registered student who has a set schedule, which is

Monday- no class (but will be doing an 8hour internship 8am-4pm)

Tuesday-10:00-11:50 White Collar Crime
2:00-3:50 Sociology of chemical dependency

Wednesday: No Classes

Thursday: 10:00-11:50 White Collar Crime
2:00-3:50 Sociology of chemical dependency

Friday: 10:00-11:50 Practicum in Sociology (Lecture)

That’s it folks. My schedule. I am going to be quite busy this semester.

I feel great relief that I finally have this semester straightened out. *sigh*

In other events, today I went to get an oil change and to get my tires rotated so my car can endure all of the traveling it has been doing and will do. Poor Estella.

I’ve been obsessed with pomegranate tea..lol, Due to my cold, I’ve been ordering tea at the coffee house instead of coffee, and end up trying pomegranate tea. I enjoy quite muchly. After my oil change today I drove around looking for it…and I found some at Hannaford. The brand I found isn’t a good as the coffee houses, but I am going to order some online when I get more money.

Umm, I think that’s about it. Pretty much just another pointless post. Gods, I heart Live Journal.

Much Love, Peaceoutness

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Assumes rightful place at livejournal.   
03:40pm 16/01/2006
mood: sick
*opens door, walks back inside. Picks up mug of coffee, and plops down on comfy chair.*

Hello LiveJournal, I am back yet again. I could no longer endure the negativity that is associated with myspace, so I deleted my account. Well, at least I tried to, for some unknown reason the powers that be at myspace, will not sent me an email that will allow me to delete my account. So, today influenced by frustration I took it upon my self to go through and delete all of my account information manually, so there is only just a blank page left. Finally, the myspace chapter in my life is over. So-I digress.

School technically starts tomorrow, which actually now that I think about it, I am kind of excited that it is. I was supposed to go today and get my schedule straighten out, but I’ll just go tomorrow, Har har, I cannot help it, I am still sick. This is the worst cold/flu that I have had in a very long time. Sigh, hopefully it’ll end soon.

Well, that is all I am going to write for now…I have to go to into the shower and get ready for work.

Peace Out, Much Love

     Read 1 - Post
Take that Plath. :-)   
10:14pm 14/01/2006
mood: sick
anne sexton is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
We’re never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy.   
01:54am 09/11/2005
mood: nostalgic
Hello. How is everyone? Eh, I am well. It’s far too late and I should be wrapped in my feathers preparing my self for the shocking buzz of my alarm. However, I am here, once again at this computer that appears to hold more attention of mine that I would like it to.

For the most part life is going well. Work is at a steady calm and I am claiming my status of who I am, and what I mean to my house and that I feel comfort in. School, is school…I enjoy it and this year I am learning things I had never thought possible. As I have been saying for the past few weeks, I am too sensitive to be a sociologist..lol

I’ve been running about 6miles a day now. I haven’t ran in a few days because I caught the flu that has been going around my work and I am going out of my head…I miss it. I miss running.

Writing…writing is going well, I guess. I haven’t been apt for it lately. I guess I am reading what others have written. I am finishing the letters of Sexton for the second time and also I have been reading a lot of what Sharon Olds has to say. Her poetry is very good. But in terms of my own stuff, nothing new to speak of. Hopefully that’ll change. I miss writing too..

Fall has left and now we are at the quiet, cold dismal of the odd season that dwells between fall and winter…it’s very comparable to death… no more leaves, no more colors…just baron…it’s sad, it’s a sad time to breathe. Perhaps that is why I’ve been so moody lately? Eh. Who knows.

So, that about sums up my “update”, hopefully soon I’ve have some insightful things to speak of….until then, I am going to post a poem that fucking amuses me to no end, it is by Sharon Olds..(one of my favorite new poets.) ENJOY.

The Pope's Penis

It hangs deep in his robes, a delicate
clapper at the center of a bell.
It moves when he moves, a ghostly fish in a
halo of silver sweaweed, the hair
swaying in the dark and the heat -- and at night
while his eyes sleep, it stands up
in praise of God.

-Sharon Olds.

For all of those who haven’t spoken with me in a while, damn it, call me, write me, send me dreams…I don’t care… I just want to hear from you. :-)

Much Love.

new poems.   
11:59pm 16/10/2005
mood: good
//XX// EDIT \\XX\\
Random Eloquence   
01:21am 15/10/2005
mood: nostalgic
Here are some random quotes, writings and others....that have inspired me over the past few days. Beauty is everywhere...and love is evolution!. ;-)

"New York City is the most fatally fascinating thing in America. She sits like a great witch at the gate of the country, showing her alluring white face and hiding her crooked hands and feet under the folds of her wide garments--constantly enticing thousands from far within, and tempting those who come from across the seas to go no farther. And all these become the victims of her caprice. Some she at once crushes beneath her cruel feet; others she condemns to a fate like that of galley slaves; a few she favors and fondles, riding them high on the bubbles of fortune; then with a sudden breath she blows the bubbles out and laughs mockingly as she watches them fall." -James Weldon Johnson

"here are some tips: i am not a superhero. i don't believe love is perfect, it's evolution. i'm not pretty, i'm not subserviant, and i am not a piece of meat. i am not silent or quiet and i am not small. i try to be knowlegably opinionated because if you're not these days then you are nothing. i'm involved politically and i'm culturally aware, and if you're not angry about these things that are happening, you're just stupid or you don't care. so if you don't care, if you wear too much makeup or you're more feminine than my little sister don't even bother trying to be my friend. . .p.s. don't buy pants with holes already in them. make your own holes. the "skater punk" look is not cool. it's cliched. mascara won't get you girls, and it won't get you me. if you have shirtless pictures of yourself on myspace i already know you're just trying to get laid, and i will not fuck you. . .oh yeah, and if you write poetry make sure it doesn't suck before you post it online. i'm sorry, but it's true and all of your friends are afraid to tell you so. in fact they don't want to because they write poetry as well, and by affirming your goodness when it's really shitty they feel better about their shitty poetry. and to the local musicians ~ you're not famous. don't act like you are. people only clap because it's the polite thing to do. thank you for your time. " - August Down

"You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people."

"I have so many different personalities in me, and I still feel lonely."

"I have my own parties. They involve being barefoot with a piece of fried chicken and margarita in each hand."

"People can travel great distances on a computer, so why can't we travel that way emotionally?"

"I am garlic personified. Garlic and extra virgin olive oil. Garlic
is garlic. You don't want it in ice cream, but you definitely want
it when there are vampires around "

"Sometimes I struggle in the sanest circles
to find the softest curve and
within that
sleeps my niche.

Seems like chaos these days is
a stable structure and the sky
is not blue unless
I'm caught inbetween.

So I lean on the lampposts and
sigh when the wind blows
as I limp 'round the crutch-fields
to find myself and perhaps

salvation?" Seth H. Peoples.

haha okay i am done now...:-)
     Read 1 - Post
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed   
01:50am 11/10/2005
mood: pensive
…confused yet again. I am in my room…its cold and swirling with “things” I’d rather not speak of. GODS I am so confused. I am listening to this song and I cannot get her voice out of my head. I don’t know….why did that have to happen? When one begins to understand who they are, then an event spins into them and their meaning of self-identity is disheveled….I hate life. (sometimes.)… Beauty and my ideals for happiness will always discompose me.

And I would be good.?
Are you out there? Can you hear this?   
11:36pm 05/10/2005
mood: lonely
Its nights such as these that I cannot deal with myself.

It is currently 11:15 pm. I had a pretty fantastic day. It was amazing out side to begin with; it was a beatific October 5th day. :-). I started my say with a cup of chamomile tea with honey and went to my first class, which all in all is quiet interesting. Then I went home and took a nap. Naps are good, I definitely agree with the Spanish culture and their little naps through out the day, gods bless them. Then I went to my second class which the professor held outside! How amazing, it was this little area behind one of the buildings that was in this little cove of trees surrounded by a creek. Being the time of year that it is there was the smell of turning leaves and random leaves falling amidst our heads. It is days such as these that I am glad to be a poet or at least open and aware of the beauty that is around me. After class I grabbed some Chinese and had dinner with Sham at the Cemetery. It was a fucking awesome day. We sat on the blanket by the pond and just talked for a while and then went to a walk. Probably the last time that I will visit Louise this year :-(. Then, went to Jermaine’s to have some tea and cake, we talked briefly and made plans for dinner next week. Then off to the gym I went, I ran 6miles today and I am slowly reaching my goal of the fit body I long to obtain.

So…the present. Now I sit at my computer, listening to Dar wishing I had some one to talk to….any one. Just an ear and a random comment of reciprocation that’s about it. I am just lonely. Yes, lonely. I try to fight through this feeling and I try to occupy my time, but nothing seems to numb the nagging feeling of solitude. I know this entry is very rambling and disjointed however its how I feel and I just need to talk…just need to talk. I need a new outlet. Running has been my outlet for a while now but it’s just not enough for my emotional inadequacies.

Random note, today as I was getting my Chinese food I parked my car at price chopper and walked over to the Chinese place on the corner of Genny and Alburn. (it’s the only place I’ll eat at around here.) On my way I saw Molly on her bike she smiled and said “hey skinny boy, go eat something.” This made me think, I really don’t see how I lost THAT much weight as to where it is noticeable to Molly. I am honestly not being intentionally too thin, I just like to run, I like the feeling I get from it. Accchk dooo.

I miss a lot of my friends. It seemed as though before I had a plethora of friends. And now, whether it is internally or just due to scheduling circumstances many of them are scarce these days. I know how it is. I am very busy with working and school. But I’d like to attempt to make time for everyone. I am just lonely and miss them. There I’ll admit it.

Hmm,, what else can I talk about…oh, yeah. I’ve been writing and I am happy with my new stuff and how much my style as changed or not changed as much as it has “evolved”. Yes….evolved. Shortly…(for those who actually care) I am going to post a few of my new things that I’ve wrote in these months. Just have to finish tweaking them.

Well that’s about it for now. I am going to read for a while for my senor seminar class. Good night everyone.

Much Love.

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my mind is disconnected, but my heart...is wired.   
02:10am 19/09/2005
mood: Uneasy.
I find my self listening to the numbness of silence as I fight through my insomnia once again. I keep asking my self this perpetuating question, “what is happiness”. Happiness, is it a thing? An object, tangible and recognizable? If it is, what will encompass my happiness? People who, live intensely…ah, let me rephrase that, people who FEEL intensely, do they ever find happiness, or at least their version of it? This question is so fascinating and I stumble upon it often……..too often. To be brief with words…(which is unlike me.)

– I hate how I feel right now. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve always viewed my self as one who was very accepting to change; I’d like to think of my self as pro actively pursuing new and “different”. I guess, I like my change with a rein and my tight grasp upon it. I suppose when change is out of my control, I well, lose it. (no pun intended.)

Lately, I’ve watched the downfall of someone. It hurts. The person, they’ve become…the morals they now encompass and the virtue they lack…they make me sick and I hate them and the creature that they’ve become. ( I never speak that simply(hate)….but ah sometimes, only certain words will do.)

>please take some advice, grow up…it’s time you’ve become a man and not the belittled child that you’ve decayed into. <

…Moving on….

I want to go to the city. I want to get away from this place, and just walk around with a bunch of people that I am a stranger to. I want to be the stranger, in the place of strangers. Holding my black coffee and ascending/descending from the steaming subway. I want to just walk in circles among the blocks and give change to the homeless……my Civic awaits, ha, I shall make my pilgrimage soon. At least this thought, is one of the only ones that brings solace these days…one of the only ones that soothes my worry stricken nerves….

Ah, it’s 2am. I have class in a few hours. It’s time to shift my uneasiness from the uncaring blinking curser on my screen to the tangled sheets on my bed. Good Night.

Much Love,

I wish I was steel……   
12:15am 16/08/2005
mood: restless
Summer’s end. Fall is in the air, I feel it on my skin at times at night and I welcome it. Wow, it’s been quite a long time since I’ve updated. I honestly just haven’t been able to write. Anything. I’d like to, and I am starting to again. I was just at this emotional point were I felt I like I had nothing to give and nothing to muster up inside my self and spew out on paper. I’ve got some new poems that I am still tweaking and school is starting quite soon.

So, whats new? Hmm let me see. I’ve starting to jog/run on a steady basis, I have now for a while. I feel amazing, I’ve lost some weight and I am really toning up. Also not to mention I am a hell of a lot more grounded now emotionally and energy wise. Something about being one with your breathing and pushing your body to the edge, is amazing.

I feel very accomplished this summer. I’ve went to the three places that I desired to go to. I went to Toronto, NYC and Salem. Now I an rest and await for school to begin.

Work is going well.

Life is okay. I can say that with out lying.

-and for you, if you read this, I am fighting for you.

Much Love,

03:09am 22/07/2005
mood: tired
Is this evolution?
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In Toronto.   
08:21pm 01/07/2005
mood: In awe....
Good day mate. Thought i leave a quick post, i am sitting in my very cold hotel room on joshie's computer. This city is amazing, that's all i have to say for now. Once my trip is over i'll elborate. But right now, i feel great. I'll be home on sunday.

Taking a walk alone, in some part of queen's street, there was this young woman my age, her hair was spiked and she had a sign that said "save your soul, spare some change." well, i was in love instantly...i gave her my pocket full of change. and her reply.

"cheers. man."...hahaha, greatness...

Much Love.